Glossary of Terms and Phrases

 

Futuring - Placing someone pre-emptively into your future suggesting that there will be a long term relationship. Some guys use phrases like "someday we should go to Maine and see the fall leaves" on the first date. Sam futured Julie on the first date by talking about the kind of house they could have together.

 

Modern Female Dating Anxiety (MFDA) - A "modern female" refers to any woman (of any age) in this current technological era, and "dating anxiety" refers to the distress (rapid pulse rate, pounding heart, and so on) brought on by an ambiguous dating process. What someone suffers from MFDA they may have mental, emotional, behavioral, and physical symptoms.

 

The Four Pillars of Intimacy – These are the essential components of a long term, intimate connection: dating, love, sex, and relationships. These four pillars are the foundation of intimacy and are equally important and interdependent.

 

Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) – A mental symptom of MFDA which are irrational thoughts that have little or no basis in reality. They are extremely destructive because they impose artifice on the reality of a situation, leading to damaging behaviors that ultimately dictate the direction of your love life. Alcoholics Anonymous coined the phrase "stinking thinking" regarding this negative mindset.

 

The Hang-Out, Hook-Up Culture – "Hanging Out" usually consists of just spending time at each others' houses informally. "Hooking Up" is a Gen Y contribution to the modern dating landscape; and those born after 1977 know that this signifies sexual encounters that are brief, sometimes fun, and usually not the first step toward a meaningful relationship.

 

The Stop Wondering Method – an approach that is composed of formalized dating stages marked by significant shifts in perception and behavior. It is a stage theory (a stage theory illustrates that development occurs in a set sequence of qualitatively different stages) and there are six stages:

     Stage One: Your Ideal Man

     Stage Two: Preparing to Date

     Stage Three: Looking for Love in All the Right Places

     Stage Four: First Dates

     Stage Five: Exploring Relationship Potential

     Stage Six: Entering a Committed Relationship

 

Romance Garden – A specific, consciously designated place within you where you keep all of your past loves and every dating experience you've ever had in your life.

 

Type – A representation of a fantasy man who is nothing more than an idealized image generated in your brain at a young age. This pattern of attraction is formed early in life and is subsequently pursued repeatedly over the years.

 

Pseudo-Dating – This term can be applied when you are seeing someone casually without formal dates and are basically "hanging out and hooking up." You are not necessarily exclusive with this guy and you are also not necessarily dating.

The Seven Factors of a Successful Relationship - The metaphor of gardening is used throughout the book to compare the stages of a developing romantic relationship to the stages of a flower from seed to bloom. This metaphor emphasizes the need to cultivate relationships rather than rushing into intimacy based on initial attraction and impulsive feelings. There are seven growth elements that coincide with these seven factors:

     Factor One: Patience – Growth Element: Time

     Factor Two: Flexibility – Growth Element: Resiliency

     Factor Three: Mystique – Growth Element: Air

     Factor Four: Boundaries – Growth Element: Room to Root

     Factor Five: Information – Growth Element: Nutrients

     Factor Six: Emotional Availability – Growth Element: Water

     Factor Seven: Faith – Growth Element – Sunlight

 

Your Ideal-Man Checklist - A flexible, realistic list that offers women a chance to see in straightforward words the images and ideas that they may have been pondering for years. This list should include real traits that you long for in a mate and should be used as an anchor to hold on to when you're being pulled by the many confusing signals of the modern dating landscape.

 

Type – A representation of a fantasy man who is nothing more than an idealized image generated in your brain at a young age. This pattern of attraction is formed early in life and is subsequently pursued repeatedly over the years.

 

Weeds – Limiting thoughts and negative thought patterns that interfere with the dating process and get in the way of new relationships. Weeds are unattractive, pose as flowers and also compete for sunlight, water, and nutrients in your romance garden.

 

Mystique – That special something that all women possess – the soft, sensual allure of femininity that is not reliant on physical beauty. It's how a woman communicates a strong sense of self, self-esteem, and personal boundaries.

 

Mirroring – Body language that communicates interest by replicating his body language. For example, if he moves forward, you also lean in.

 

The Ex-Files – Your past relationship files. Don't open this up on dates; what someone tells you about an ex is never objectively true because you can't really figure out what happened without both sides of the story.

 

Waiting is the New Foreplay – Slowing down the process so that you both really enjoy and relish each stage of physical contact.

 

Not Yet – This is a term women can use to pace the growing sexual energy between the guy she is dating and herself; she can hint at more to come in the future without giving in to getting physical too quickly.

 

Break-Off – When you realize that you are not interested in dating a guy anymore and want to move on, you can break it off without hurting his feelings. Be up front, honest, and respectful about ending the process. Use kind language and say "I have something to tell you that's not easy to say, but I must say it anyway. I want to break this off with you.' Don't avoid his calls and don't break it off with a post-it.